Your Horoscope As Told By Mustaches

Aries (March 21-April 19): The Hulk Hogan Handlebar

You are strong and sturdy. You can be impatient at times, but you know what you want and you won’t stop until you get there. You march to the beat of your own drum, and anyone who can’t handle that can get the hell out of your way. While sometimes taking things to the extreme, you only do so because of your incredible drive and passion. November will bring you new challenges and adventures, which will give you every excuse to break free from your weekly routine and try something new. HULK SMASH.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): The Sam Elliott Silver Fox

“I think anytime you can affect people in general, in a positive way, then you’re a lucky individual.”

You are fiercely loyal to your friends. You are dedicated and compassionate and have a firm grip on life. You are watchful of those closest to you. You are classic, just like Sam and his trusty mustache. At times you are downright stubborn, but that’s nothing to be sorry for. Your loved ones can rely on you to be the rock in tough situations. Your persistence will get you places in life; always fight for what you want.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): The Burgundy Stache

You look good. Really, really good. You’ve never met a stranger (I mean how could you, you handsome devil?) and you love to talk. You can charm the pants off of anyone you meet (and sometimes you do). You can talk your way out of tough situations, and thank God for that. Sometimes you’re stuck in a glass case of emotion, BUT THAT’S OKAY. People perceive you as superficial, but hey, it isn’t your fault that you like the finer things in life.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Yosemite Mustache

You put up some walls to protect yourself from getting hurt (hence the guns), but you never let that stop you from having a good time. You’re funny, hilarious actually, and you really know how to kick things into high gear. You seek adventure, but you also know there’s nothing quite like being at home. You are sensitive and emotional, but those are some of your best qualities. You can be moody, but mostly because you never catch that dang rabbit.

Leo July 23-August 22): The Super Mustache Brothers

You are a risk taking and gregarious individual. You and your best friend make the perfect power combo. You are strong-minded, but that’s how you gotta be when you’re tasked with such large duties every day. You are passionate about your work and always strive to do better. You can be incredibly opinionated, but people like that you speak your mind. Slightly impulsive, but sometimes the best decisions are made on a whim. You spend your days flawlessly dodging shells and banana peels to make it to the end of the day when you can finally unwind before it starts all over again tomorrow.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): The Sweet Selleck

Diligent. Focused. Driven. Much like Thomas Magnum, all these words describe your work ethic. Whether you’re sleuthing around in a Hawaiian shirt and short-shorts or up late working on homework, you are always thorough. Sometimes you can be a bit of a control freak when it comes to school/career, but only because you immerse yourself in it. Your friends love you for your compassion and sensitive nature. Although they can do without your hypercritical tendencies whenever they’re dating someone that you disapprove of.

Libra (September 23-October 22): The Beard Cage

I realize that this is not entirely a mustache–but he’s still got one! Your creativity can speak for itself. Never to be outdone by others, your awesome personality always puts you over the top. Your friendly attitude draws people in (much like this bearded maniac), and you are usually quite the socialite. Your charm and wit makes you a great companion to have. At times you can be rather indecisive (should I grow a bird cage or a hot air balloon…?), but your friends are always there to make the decision easy (a bird cage, definitely a bird cage.).

Scorpio (October 23-November 21): Officer Porn Stache (sorry not sorry)

You are quite an intense person from time to time. Quiet and secretive, because, like Officer Mendez you prefer to keep a lot of your personal details on the down low. You are incredibly passionate about certain things (hopefully those things are not drugs or female inmates), and you like to have someone to lean on. You pick up on subtle hints before anyone else. Sometimes you are jealous, but that’s just raw passion breaking through. You prefer things to be private; why should you share every minute detail of your life on Facebook?

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): The Timeless Mustache

Pass Go, collect $200…FOR BEING AWESOME. Fun loving, intelligent, and all-around optimist. You prefer your glass half-full at all times. An extrovert at heart, you are always seeking new adventures and thoroughly enjoy meeting new people. Witty, clever, and sharp as a tack, you wake up each morning ready to face the challenges that might be foolish enough to face you. A tad exaggerative from time to time, but that’s how you like to be because it spruces up your day. At this rate, you’re bound to land on Boardwalk and Park Place.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): The Swanson

Strong and willful. You like being in a position of power. You are the Ron Swanson of zodiac signs. While you portray yourself as a strong exterior, you are also affectionate towards the ones that you care about and passionate about the things you love (hunting, wood carving, aged whiskey…no?). You are patient and self-disciplined, which are traits that often come in handy in your line of work. At times people can feel that you are demanding, but that is because you are ambitious in nature and like to get things done. The work you have accomplished is like this fine mustache: it took time and effort and it deserves to be appreciated.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): The Purple Cobra

Ready…Set…Dodgeball! Incredibly spontaneous and friendly, yet unpredictable and aloof. You’ve got your eye on the prize at all times and a look on your face that says “we will, we will…rock you.” Your loved ones admire your unconventional demeanor and the fact that you’re a total idea machine. You’re always finding a creative solution to every day situations, and that’s what makes you very unique. You can be acutely judgmental from time to time, but only because you strive for perfection and you think others should too. You are, after all, the bomb dot com.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): The Nachoooo

People say you don’t know a butt load of crap about the Gospel but you dooooo. Spiritual, above all things, is the reason why you are like Nacho and his little mustache. You are wildly imaginative and a true individual. You live to inspire those around you, and they are all the better for that. The fact that you are open-minded and accepting of everyone makes you even more wonderful than you already are. People can regard you as an unrealistic person, but that is simply because you like to set the bar high for yourself. Your sensitivity and positive spirit are the reason people like to be around you. So go forth and be awesome.

Happy No Shave November everyone, and let’s not forget the most important mustache of them all:



One comment

  1. hehe, this made me giggle. I love it!

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