Procrastination – a familiar subject for high schoolers, college students, and adults alike. When it comes to procrastination, I like to think of myself as a professional, a role model, a guru even. In my 15+ years of studies, I’ve really honed my craft and would like to take some time to show others the way.
Contrary to the Google definition at the top of the post, procrastination does not necessarily mean laziness or carelessness. Instead, I think procrastination simply means that your interests are elsewhere and that you find joy in things that do not include writing papers or solving equations.
And to any potential employers that may be reading this (hi, hire me), being a pro at procrastination doesn’t mean I don’t get things done. I’m really good at getting things done, especially in a crunch. That’s what I call a special skill, am I right?
So, without any further ado, here are some foolproof ways to put off any assignment or obligation for as long as possible.
The most obvious way to waste time is to log in to the social media trifecta – Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr (or Pinterest if you’re into that I guess) – and go from site to site in an endless cycle of refreshing. However, this can really only last so long before the activity on these sites slows down significantly and you run out of new things to look at. There’s always the option of stalking that crazy kid you went to high school with or your favorite celebrity, but again this can get old, especially for more seasoned procrastinators.
Online (Window) Shopping
A really great next step is to go to a store website, preferably a really expensive one so you won’t be tempted to actually buy anything. For me, this usually means clothing sites like Free People or Urban Outfitters (I know they aren’t THAT expensive in comparison, but I’m really cheap, ok?), where I scroll through beautiful clothes and cry. If pretty clothes aren’t your scene, go look at electronics or movie posters or sports gear – the online shopping world is your oyster, grasshoppers. But be careful to ONLY look, no purchasing allowed, or you’ll feel bad about yourself for spending money you don’t have AND putting off more important things that you should be doing.
A safer alternative to online shopping is getting lost on Wikipedia. Ooo, learning! It doesn’t matter that you’re reading about the Parliament Act of 1911 or the German-American Steuben Parade or Quentin Tarantino’s film history, you’re reading and that’s something to be proud of. Reading Wikipedia pages is also a great way to pick up fun facts about things most people don’t care about. Who’s to say they won’t come in handy at the next Trivia Night you go to, leading your team to victory? Who’s laughing now?!
Ah, my personal favorite method of procrastination – YouTube. This online video-sharing site makes it so easy to get completely lost, which is really your aim in this whole endeavor. If you don’t look at your clock after spending some time procrastinating and realize that 5 hours have passed and it’s now dark outside, you’re doing it wrong. I’ve included this video of one of my favorite YouTubers, danisnotonfire, who gives some more really great tips on how to procrastinate. Then, simply click one of the thumbnails at the end of the video and you’re on the way to a successful procrastination session.
If wasting time on the internet for a few hours isn’t sufficient and you want to feel more active in your procrastinating pursuits, first of all who are you and please teach me your ways. Getting lost on the web usually does it for me, but there are those times where I can’t internet anymore and I need to do my procrastinating elsewhere. This is a phenomenon I like to call “productive procrastination” – avoiding getting shit done by getting other shit done. Productive procrastination (or pro-pro as I just decided I want to call it) can take many different forms, from cleaning your kitchen to doing laundry for the first time in a month to learning a new language to even working out. While you’re not getting that 10-page paper that’s due tomorrow done, at least you’re doing something, right? If you want to procrastinate but still feel really accomplished at the end of the day, pro-pro is the way to go.
Of course there are a million other ways to procrastinate, but I hope these ideas help guide you on the right path.
And if all else fails, you could always start a blog.